I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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