ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
