I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
