Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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