i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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