Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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