Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
