I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
