At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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