There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
