I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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