I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
