So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im holly from the hills drunk
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
