i think my tv is drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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