so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
