i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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