I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
