I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize