he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
