he wants to bone in the snuggie
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ketchup is God's man juice
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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