Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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