I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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