he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
