it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
