Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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