Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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