We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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