i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
