And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
