Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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