I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
