First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
