I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize