I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
