words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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