All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
