Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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