Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
