I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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