Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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