pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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