oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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