Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
