Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
