so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
