im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
