Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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