True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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