am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
there is puke in my bra ... again
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
