I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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