Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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