Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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