everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
