dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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