I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
