i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
