you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
