Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
