she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
