had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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