Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
please don't ironically join a cult
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