How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
