You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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