god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
