He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
