I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
