I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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