They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
