she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
