Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
